“Everyone in my generation and above has been failed by sex education.” Sex educator Ruby Rare on sexy salads and Sri Lankan curries

A feast of flavour and feeling

Ruby’s approach to cooking is as free-spirited as her outlook on life: “I’m a chaotic ingredients chef,” she laughs, as she tosses carrots in a miso-maple glaze and readies a punchy dressing of satsuma, lime leaf, ginger and sesame oil. The kitchen fills with scents that are sweet, sharp and earthy.

“I just want punchy flavours and to have a bit of fun,” Ruby says, her hands moving confidently between the chopping board and NutriBullet. “Sexy salads are the easiest thing in summer: just veg, then a glug of rice vinegar and a similar glug of soy sauce, and you’re done.”

There’s no fussing over oven temperatures or perfect technique here. Instead, it’s about the freedom to play, improvise and invite others into the process. “I love finding ways to give myself permission to make my life easier,” Ruby admits, as she shares the secret to her approach: “It doesn’t have to be an astronomical thing. We’re having lunch, we’re having a chat – we all just need to eat.”

From sex education to salad servers

As the salad comes together – a riot of rocket, green beans, cucumber and those gloriously caramelised carrots – conversation turns to Ruby’s work. She began her career teaching sex and relationships education to young people, but soon realised adults were just as hungry for honest, shame-free discussions.

“Everyone in my generation and above has been failed by sex education and has gone into the world completely clueless,” Ruby says. “I moved into working with adults because I realised they had the same questions that 14-year-olds were asking me.”

Ruby’s identity as a queer person informs her work and worldview. For her, queerness is both a personal orientation and political invitation to question the scripts society hands us about love, sex and relationships. “Queering is an invitation to mess all of that up and go, why do we think we need to do that? Could we do it differently? Can we be doing it in a way that’s more specific to our own desires or our lives?”

A taste of heritage and home

Food for Ruby is deeply connected to heritage and family. She’s mixed race – Sri Lankan and British – and speaks warmly of how cooking Sri Lankan curries with her mother is a way to connect with her roots. “Food is a beautiful way for me to connect with the Sri Lankan part of my heritage,” she shares, recalling childhood meals shaped by her sibling’s coeliac diagnosis and the inventive, rice-based dishes that filled their London home.

Now in Margate, Ruby continues to find comfort and creativity in the kitchen, often cooking with her sibling and sharing the load in what she calls “collab meals” – each bringing half an idea, resulting in something unexpectedly delicious.

Radical honesty, real pleasure

Ruby’s radicalism isn’t just about relationships – it’s about living authentically, embracing imperfection and finding pleasure in the everyday. She’s open about her non-monogamous lifestyle, reluctance to bow to societal expectations around marriage or children and belief that chaos and messiness are not just inevitable, but liberating.

“We spend so much of our lives striving for a perfection that is fictional. Actually, inviting a bit more chaos into our lives and admitting that life is inherently messy can really set us free,” Ruby says, her words as vibrant as the salad she’s plating up.

The joy of play

As lunch is served – carrots gleaming, beans still bright and the dressing singing with citrus and chilli – Ruby reflects on the importance of play, not just in childhood but throughout life. Collecting Polly Pockets is more than nostalgia; it’s about reclaiming joy and giving herself permission to have fun.

“What if play is an essential, inherent part of existence?” she muses. “Through pleasure, sex and exploration, there’s so little room for grown-ups to really have fun and play. We are just taught to not prioritise having a good time.”

With that, the table is set, the salad is “sexy” and the conversation – like the food – is honest, nourishing and utterly satisfying.